Running was extremely private at first. I was insecure and scared of being judged. Can you call yourself a "runner" if you can only pull a half mile at a time and each of those halves are a huge burden to your lungs? I ran down to our local open space park, exactly .52 miles from my home and I wasn't sure I could get home. Of course I could walk, but if you set out to run, should you walk? I settled for running a half mile every other day for a week. I would run to the park and walk home. Slowly, I was able to run to the park and home again. Eventually, my loop lengthened.
Being fall, the weather changed rapidly and I found myself unprepared for cold weather and dark nights. It didn't seem worth it to run only 1.04 miles literally freezing and lungs burning. We are lucky enough to live in a community with fantastic recreation centers as a part of our homeowners fees. Inside of Eastridge Recreation Center, I found my stride. Above the basketball court is an indoor track that is bouncy and polite. It is very forgiving and your knees and ankles don't feel the impact. I was easily able to run a mile and that quickly increased to 3 to 4 miles every other night.
After about 4 months of this routine, Randall and I began discussing whether we wanted to have another baby. Selfishly, I was unsure if I wanted to take on another child. I am an extremely dedicated and active mother. I gave Ethan every ounce of my energy that first year and I have to admit, I was burnt out. If I had another baby that was as sensitive as Ethan, would I ever be able to find this freedom again? Also, would I be able to continue exercising while pregnant? Would I hit the track again once my baby was born? How could I possibly breastfeed and care for myself physically at the same time? If I was unable to breastfeed and run simultaneously, would I be fine waiting another year or more to begin again? It took another few months to begin trying, and 16 months after that for Owen to become more than a possibility.
Owen was born in January of 2011. Exactly seven weeks later, I hit the trails. But this time, I refused to go to the gym. It seemed too restricting. I wanted fresh air. Amazingly, because I walked and exercised throughout the pregnancy, it was not difficult to resume running. I did a 5k loop by my house and it felt great.
I breastfed Owen until he was 20 months old. Breastfeeding and running, especially as my miles increased, was a full time job. Multiple people would question whether I was eating enough and whether this was healthy for me and my baby. I drank water all the time, and I was hungry constantly, but I managed. It was a healthy cause. When I run, I am a better mother and wife. Moms cannot be expected to put everything into their families and take nothing for themselves.
Before I warmed up to running, I resented motherhood. I resented my pent-up energy and feeling of entrapment. I resented the other mothers that would go out for a facial or a weekend holiday without their babies. I didn't think it was possible for me to get a few free minutes. However, I made time for myself and I quickly became more relaxed, less routine, and forgiving of life's little messes. I ran after I put Ethan to bed at night, or before the kids woke in the morning. I made time for me. Instead of begrudging what I couldn't have, I stole a piece of it. I am grateful for both of my kids. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have found this separate piece of me that I need so desperately.
Now, I welcome anyone and everyone to run with me. It is no longer a private experience. I am not insecure about my pace or distance. I simply want to hit the trails early in the morning and see the steam rise and fall from my breath.
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