My entire life has been turned on its head. Typically I run every morning for at least an hour before my children awaken, but I haven't run in months. The range of motion in my hip degrades weekly and while I have put off this surgery to the very last moment, the time has come. It isn't like I haven't tried to talk myself out of it. I got 3 surgical opinions. I trained with two physical therapists. I neglected all exercise except walking for 3 weeks, hoping my hip would miraculously regenerate a new labrum and cartilage. Instead, the injury has gotten much worse. At first it only hurt when I ran, now it hurts if I sit for more than 10 minutes, or stand still for more than 5. Walking hurts, biking hurts. This is necessary and I know that. I can't live with this pain and I am
one lucky girl that I have the opportunity to fix it. My surgeon said I
have a 50% hip. He promises he can give me a 95% hip.
I met with my surgeon one last time for the preoperative discussions. I quickly discerned the meaning of preoperative, "Fill out a crap load of paper work, sign your financial and physical life away, and sugar coat the operation one last time so I don't run at the alter."
"Can you give me something for the morning of? Just to take the edge off?"
"No. We need you fully aware and able to sign your leg beforehand. Once you do that, we will give you a nice dose of Valium."
"Wait, what? Sign my what?"
"Yeah we will mark the incision sites and you need to sign your hip next to my marks to show it is the proper location."
Next they fitted me for my $1,900 brace (WHAT?), handed me 7 pain and anti-inflammatory prescriptions, and a pair of crutches. We went over the expectations for the various cold water circulating machines, passive movement machines, and calf squeezing equipment that will be strapped to me 24-7 for two weeks. The reality struck. "When will I be normal again? You know, walking without a limp and pain free?"
"I can guarantee you will be walking without a limp around 7 weeks from now. You will be pain free in 3-4 months. Jen, this is a long recovery, be patient."
As the doctor readied himself to leave, I laughed, "You know I am letting you cut me open, shave down my bones, put screws, pins, and someone else's cartilage in me, all so that I can eventually run again. Is that just stupid? Should I have my head checked?"
The doctor smiled, "Yeah, we can check that too if you'd like."
My husband and I went to dinner afterwards. We needed time to clear our heads. As we sat at the table in near silence I told Randall my biggest fear is letting go of control. When they put you under, you put all of your trust into a total stranger. My doctor is one of the best in the country, but he is still a stranger. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know my boys. Afterwards I will be relying on so many people to get dinner on the table, and my kids to and from school because I can't drive or walk for a month. I take pride in caring for my kids and always being available. This won't be easy stepping back.
Ethan, my oldest son, wrote a story in school yesterday that his teacher wanted me to see. They read a book about worries and how to make them go away, their task was to respond to the story with their own experiences. He wrote about me. He said, "My mom has a full plate. I can tell she is scared and worried, but she won't tell me she is because she is strong like that. But I am worried for her. I don't want her to hurt or not be her anymore. Running makes my mom happy. I want her to be happy and run again, but I am worried."
This broke my heart. And all I can say to my son is that he is right. I am so strong and so damn stubborn that I will be fine. I have amazing friends and family surrounding me. I took them for granted as I had no idea how lucky I was to be loved so much. I never knew how my loved ones would step up and offer their support and service. We will be okay because of them.
~Roadburner
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