Some goals take more humility

Ten weeks ago my sights were set on Halloween.  I kept telling myself that by Halloween I should be able to walk with a minimal limp and no crutches for at least a mile at a time.  If I could get to that point, things would start feeling more like normal and my hip surgery would be a long removed memory.  While pain and a revolving limp are pretty familiar, I surpassed my goal.  I've been walking my boys to and from school, a quarter mile each way, for a month now.  Those obnoxious crutches found a home in my basement and most strangers would have no idea I've ever had major surgery. 

My youngest son was a "fierce spider."  My oldest, Captain America.

I've always been goal driven.  When I wanted something I would run out and take it, work my butt off and grab the opportunity.  I graduated college summa cum laude with a double major in three years.  Yeah it took a lot of late nights and hard work, I didn't play as much as many, but I saw the destination and I got there.  While satisfied, I always knew I would graduate.  It was my path.  There weren't bumps along the way, I didn't  have to practice any form of humility.  It was a diploma of pure grit.

This time I am combining hard work and humility.  I have permanent loss of feeling covering a large chunk of my hip.  When I reach my hand into the right pocket of my jeans, I can't feel it.  There's no sensitivity to touch over a 5 inch square patch.  The two scars are a window into my healing.  When they are red and inflamed, my joint is red and inflamed.  I've learned to find equilibrium in my workouts.  Push too hard and I can't walk for two days without a strong limp and major piercing pain.  Don't push hard enough and the entire joint seizes up in a restricting tightness that makes it equally as hard to function.  I'm trying to learn how to test that balance with muscles that grow daily. 

During hard training runs and races that felt like they would never end I always used to count my steps.  It felt easier as a direct distraction than any simple words.  1-2-3.  1-2-3.  Shoot, I employed this simple method while in full labor racing down Colfax Avenue on the way to St. Joesph Hospital, 45 minutes from our home.  I was fully dilated and cars kept pulling up next to us at each light pointing at me and laughing.  I was breathing hard and ready to tear their feeble heads off.  I stared intently at the clock on the dashboard.  1:45.  1:45.  1:46.  1-4-6.  1-4-6.  1-4-7.  Time is moving.  I am almost there.  

I started my rehabilitation on a bike.  10 minutes everyday for 2 weeks.  No resistance, but very painful.  Patience.  Week three I added 5 minutes.  I looked around at all the people sweating.  I was jealous.  Patience.  Within a couple weeks I added resistance to the spin bike and very slowly worked my way up to 45 minutes.  Patience.  My physical therapist told me to start using the elliptical, but watch carefully for soreness.  I only lasted 5 minutes the first time.  My femur danced garishly around the socket with every pull.  I cursed and jumped off.  After waiting two more weeks I attempted it again, cautiously. I've built up to 30 minutes on the elliptical with resistance, but I still can't handle more than 45 minutes of cardio at one time.  Patience.  Living in the moment is easier than always looking forward.  I find taking smaller bites out of a larger goal is much more satisfying than focusing on what isn't yet possible. 

Strength work is a part of my daily routine.  I ride the bike for 45 minutes and jump off for clam shells, bridges, ball crunches, free weights, planks, push ups, lunges, etc...  I've learned not to do the same exercises everyday.  Each week I ride the bike, swim, and use the elliptical.  My muscles are becoming much more balanced and I feel my strength growing daily.  My legs, glutes, arms, and lower back are all stronger now post surgery.  That is an honest victory.  I can't run yet.  That probably won't happen for another couple months at best, but when I hit the trails again I will be steadfast.   


~Roadburner

It's going to be a long road...

Today it hit me how long of a road this recovery really might be.  Up until this point I've remained undeterred and optimistic, thinking I will get back to my previous mileage in the next few weeks.  But today, I started questioning what the point to all this really is.  When I showed my physical therapist, Kevin, my training schedule for the REVEL Rockies Marathon, August 17, he paused and said, "Let's give it two more weeks to see how you are healing.  After that we will bring up the mileage again but you have to demonstrate some real changes before I can suggest you start training as normal again."  This took me a moment to process.

He put together a two week schedule to help me ease back into training 6 days a week but I was shocked at what he wrote:

Sunday: 3 miles (yesterday. CHECK!)
Monday: 3 miles (CHECK!)
Tuesday: Swim 60 Minutes
Wednesday: 4 miles
Thursday: Rest/Stretch
Friday: 5 miles
Saturday: Swim 60 Minutes

The next week looks exactly the same but I am to run 4 miles on Tuesday instead of 3.  Sorry, Kevin, but 15 miles in one week is not 50+ miles a week.  I am starting to think this next race is a pipe dream.  Maybe I would heal better if I let it go and focused on shorter distances for the next few months.

On another note, I haven't swam freestyle in at least 10 years.  And the last time I did, I made it 5 laps before I was so out of breath I floundered around, gasped for air, and desperately longed for a life jacket. 

So I am changing my focus. 

1. I don't own an athletic one piece suitable for swimming laps.  I don't own any goggles.  And better yet, I need to flounder around a pool for 60 minutes tomorrow.  So, after my youngest son wakes from his nap, we are going shopping this afternoon.  
2. I called a local swim school to help me swim more efficiently.  This will be humiliating being the only adult in a pool with a bunch of summer swim camp kids, but it will be less embarrassing than being rescued by a lifeguard on my third lap.  I asked for a private lesson...
3. I put away the REVEL Rockies training plan I'd created weeks ago.  I can't keep looking at it.  The pressure to heal is not helping my mood and I can't rush this process.  My goal is to come back stronger, not band-aid the problem and return to this place in a couple months.
4. Continue my physical therapy sessions and my daily strength programs that Kevin designed specifically for my injury and long-term goals.  
5. Put my pride away.  Running 15 miles a week is still 15 miles a week and that is better than nothing.  Plus, I am being pushed into new opportunities, forced to expand my horizons.  This could be a valuable lesson that will better my character.  

Here are my hip stabilizing exercises in order (Do these at your own risk.  This routine was specifically designed for my injury.  Most of these exercises you can find online if you search running hip stability.  If you are injured, always seek the advice of a doctor first.):

• Dog Pee Squat - 30 reps every hour, every day.  Yes.  That's a lot.  Oh, by the way, I finally told Kevin what my name is for this stretch and he almost died laughing.  He couldn't look me in the eyes for at least 20 minutes today. 

 

•  One-Legged Bridge (30 per leg, 1xday)

 

These are harder than they look.

• Clam Shells with Resistance (30 per side, using a green band, 1xday)

 

 

•   Heal Squeezes (30 per side, 1xday)

 

 

• Monster Walks - Stand with band between ankles and step out at a diagonal with one foot.  Bring the other foot up to meet your front foot.  Continue alternating feet as you stay in a partial squat, working your way 30 feet out and back.  Do two sets, once a day.

 

 

•  One Legged Hip Rotators - Holding onto the green band stand on one leg.  Rotate your hip and chest to the outside, away from the band.  Keep your entire core straight.  (20 per side, 1xday)

You won't rotate much, but you will feel it in your glutes.

• Side Lunges - Stand with your knees slightly bent, core tight.  Step to the side and use the bent leg's strength to push back up to neutral.  (40 per leg, 1xday)

 

• Core Work - Before I started going to PT, I began a simple core workout.  My PT wants me to continue this daily on top of my running and swimming workouts.
• Middle crunches (neutral position) - 60 reps 1xday
• One legged crunches (I put one leg over the other knee and put the opposite elbow to my knee) - 60 reps per side 1xday
• 30 push-ups (2 sets of 15, 1xday)
• Superman holds.  (Lay on stomach and keeping core tight, lift both arms and legs off the ground.) Hold for 60 seconds, 3 reps, 1xday
• Plank holds - Hold for 60 seconds, 2 reps, 1xday
• Rolling out hips, legs, lower back, glutes with a foam roller 1-2xday

 
I am seeing progress, but I have a lot more work to do.  I've tried to stay very focused and upbeat but it is impossible to not get frustrated along the way.  Two miles away from home this morning, my eyes became red and my face hot in frustration and anger.  "Seriously, what is the point?"  After cursing myself out for a good 20 minutes, I decided the point is not to be a quitter.  I know that sounds really childish, but just because it gets hard and you get pushed entirely out of your comfort zone doesn't mean you earned the right to throw in the towel.  I am stupidly stubborn, and honestly that is enough.  I am going to learn how to swim.  I am going to continue to incorporate strength and stability work into my daily routine.  I am going to be grateful for the mileage, even 15 miles per week for a while.  When I get to the other side of this, 1 month, 2 months, or 6 months from now, I will be stronger.  I will be faster and more confident than I was a month ago when I was in the best shape of my life. 

Kevin reassured me that most people who experience an injury almost always come back stronger.  Not only do you fix what was broken in the first place, but you strengthen your entire body and your resolve.  He said, "Sometimes, an injury is the best thing that can happen to someone because it forces them to address those weakness, break free from routine, and start better habits from the ground up."  My resolve isn't broken, just a little pissed off, and I can work with that.


~Roadburner